Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Concerning My Perfect Belly Button

Unlike your ugly, weird belly button, mine is beautiful, inspiring, and the delight of the party. It's the kind of belly button you would put on a perfect doll if you got your act together and made one. But I suspect you're too hung up on your grotesque be-bu.

I wasn't proud of my beautiful belly button until now. Before, it was simply something I was born with. Now, I've discovered, it's a clear product of ancient Italian witchcraft.

My sister is pregnant and my mother is in high gear. She was telling a tale of the old world of raising babies and how a "problem" with Baby Me was resolved. Turns out there was some anxiety over my belly button when I was born. It was an outie and the doctor's suspected this meant that Baby Me could develop a hernia. It might become a giant swollen outie and crush the city or some shit. "We'll have to wait and see" Dr. Jealous-of-my-Be-Bu said. This might need an operation.

My great grandmother hearing this bullshit was all like "fuck that noise, I got the solution right here, bam!" (paraphrase). Her solution? She took a silver dollar and put it in a little velvet pouch and set it on my belly button. For six weeks!!! That did the trick. The next time the Doctor looked at my be-bu they wept with joy and started a religion.

So, sorry your belly button is lacking. I can't relate. Mine is mystical.

1 comment:

lfar said...

are we... saying there's something wrong with hernias now? because... i've had two.