The Furthest Fall 3 - King Tutankhamen

How's this for cruel:

King "Tut" died and was buried in the Valley of the Kings over 3000 years ago. He was buried in a very expensive and particular way. He was mummified so that he could make a successful transition into the afterlife. His vital organs were placed in canopic jars. His body was wrapped with a few scarabs to ensure everything would work when he woke up. His ba was raring to go. And everything was hidden so that it would not be disturbed.

He was a relatively unimportant Pharaoh -except for one thing. We found his tomb intact. Other tombs had been completely robbed but his was full of ornate, crafted, golden goods.

Now, his body is sitting in a glass case inside his tomb and visited daily by hundreds of tourists. He is covered by a blanket that does not cover his toes so that everyone can comment on how disgusting they look. THERE IS A SECURITY CAMERA PERPETUALLY POINTED AT HIS BODY while his sacred artifacts tour the world for more people to see.

For all of the careful preparations to keep his body safe and hidden he may be one of the most looked at corpses in the history of the world.

Laptop/Sand Mandala

The Buddhists have it right. Nothing serves as a better reminder of the fleeting nature of life than creating an intricate piece of art and destroying it.

To be safe, I made two backup copies before I wiped my laptop. They both failed. My own mini-burning of the Library of Alexandria. All of my files have been cremated and spread on the wind. Is that what the Buddhists do? Very unlike the Christian maintenance of coffined bones and tombstones.

Thanks to Google, anything I sent to a friend remains. But all of my works-in-progress have vanished. Novels, plays, sketches, stand-up, slam poetry, stencils, pixels, ideas, ideas, ideas. It's an experience of death on a removed intellectual level. Physically, I'm happy to have my health. Emotionally, it has put me in a happy, goofy mood. I've been challenged to ponder nonexistence in a way I would wish on everyone. After all, these files are not lost in the bottoms of a closet they are on a formatted hard drive. Utterly destroyed. They are not buried like our recent ancestors. They have vanished like our ancient ancestors.

I've caught myself sulking to my friends but my heart isn't in it. It's funny to catch myself in patterned behavior. I know I have "the right" to sulk but it feels insincere. I prefer to step back and feel what I really feel instead of play the part of what I "should" feel.

There's always something refreshing about destruction.
(3:24)

Time Goes By

In elementary school I marked my age by grade. Older folk (from High School to parents) were lumped together as "adults" (people who had facial hair and a tame sense of humour). I didn't understand how people could confuse what grade I was in. At the time the distinction between Grade 5s and Grade 4s seemed like night and day. I could tell you the grade of anyone in the schoolyard. It was in the way they ran. Their vocabulary. Their attitude. Now they are all children to me. Currently, my age is marked by other people's kids. I've seen two kids grow from babies to storytellers. And now, my sister has a baby and they plan to record her height in a penciled line on the image of a giraffe. A vague memory of my old house. Old pencil marks on the trim of a doorframe.

When I coached improv I would commonly refer to Jurassic Park. This simple Hollywood film about dinosaurs, made in 1993. This Saturday, when I hold an improv workshop for high school students, some of them will have been born in that year.

I think reading Albert Speer's biography (Sereny's extensive Battle With the Truth) has me thinking a lot about time and memory. Imagine spending twenty years in prison training yourself to regret the greatest time of your life. In Germany, no one dares recall the positive impact of the Nazi party before the war. The Holocaust has left an indelible mark on the world's memory.

As John Toland wrote: "If he [Hitler] had died in 1937, he would undoubtedly have gone down as one of the greatest figures in German history."

In 1984, one passionate member of the Nazi Party, recalling the early contributions, stated,

"I want nothing to do with all those people who now claim they weren't [members of the Nazi Party], that indeed they were resisters. I really sometimes wonder who it was who elected Hitler and fought and won all those battles for him. All of Germany, it now appears, was nothing but anti-Nazis. Disgusting." (pg. 180)

What years? Time is only the quality of your memory. Amnesia means your personality is dead. The endless digital photography of Facebook is a struggle to live. To help the mind remember more life than death. Alternately, Dunbar from Catch-22 tried to live longer by making his life as boring as possible in order to slow time.

In elementary school I used to date each page. They trained us to write the date in the top right corner. How foolish I felt in January when I would catch myself writing the wrong year. It wasn't 1988, it was 1989. Get with the times.

Shades and Ol' Lady Violet (who wants yellow)

I just watched the shadiest character in Lillian Smith.

He came up to a guy who was working at a table across from me. Clearly he recognized him because he knew his name but they didn't know each other well. He began asking what the guy was working on, where he was living, etc. Eventually they agreed to hang out but Shady said he lost working guy's home number.

So the guy wrote it down but Shady didn't want it. He glanced at it and claimed he had memorized it. Then he asked if he could come and visit sometime 'y'know, just show up' and the working guy said 'maybe if you call first, I have roommates'. And Shades asked 'what would they do if I just showed up? Without you there? Would they let me stay? Would that be cool?' Working guy insisted that he be contacted first but Shady explained that 'my email is not working'. They parted without clear plans.

(15 minutes later)

Holy shit, you just missed my favourite old woman. Some seniors are here with a chaperon. My favourite was complaining about not wanting to look at children's books because she's seen all of them already. She's awesome at muttering. I just watched her mutter something about how she likes yellow as she proceeded to rip a full page out of a children's book.

Now Shady's back talking about his social workers, seeing psychiatrists and taking meds for his sycophrenia. He's living in a shelter. Poor guy's trying to network.

Oh shit, the chaperon just caught old lady rips-a-lot taking another page. My favourite senior is sticking to her guns, claiming 'she's done it before' as she stuffs the page into her purse. The best part is she looks like a picturesque 'nice old person' complete with cane and full body violet outfit (sweater and pants).

Reflections on the National Debate

I tried to peer pressure my friends into watching the federal debate by insisting it was their civic duty. I think we'd all like to see a candidate who didn't speak in exaggerated attacks, vague promises, and attempts at coining phrases. It didn't happen this year. Nonetheless, these chumps are the future of Canadian politics.

The most embarrassing part: The discussion about Arts funding. All of the candidates turned this into an awkward "slice of life" answer in which they professed their love of 'culture' and how their kids play clarinet or some shit. I was interested in what specific programs that Harper had cut and why everyone thought that they were worth funding. No one spoke in specifics.

Runnerup embarassment: The sadass at the end who asked: "I haven't voted for ten years, I don't think it matters, why should I vote?" I would have supported any candidate who answered: "wake the fuck up".

Two questions we wanted to ask:

1) Give some respect. What's one idea that one of the other parties created that you wish you had thought of? Don't spin it to take credit.

2) As a voter I know that I'm choosing a government that will have to respond to hundreds of unforeseen issues over the next four years. What guiding principals of your party set you apart from the others?

My review of the candidates:

Dion
Voted most likely to be stuffed in a locker. He seems weak, nervous, and verging on insincere. The accent is an unfortunate drawback but his soft tone doesn't help. I found myself tuning him out. I haven't seen any of the hate-ads that try to brand him as an elite academic. I find watching him does that. This was tough for me since I usually choose between the Liberals and NDP. They're Canada's most reasonable party but they seem to be focusing on garnering immediate votes (their switch to environmental concerns) than proposing a unique Liberal vision.

Duceppe
My favourite. Duceppe seems more wild and less polished. And those eyes? He's a living caricature. It's like a cross between a puffer fish, an owl, and a love of Quebec. It's neat to have someone in the debate who can't actually become the PM. I think the sovereignty issue would ruin our friendship. My brother commented that he seems like a veteran who can draw on an extensive history (I was interested in his allegiance to the "manufacturing sector") His hair could stop a bullet.

Harper
Voted most likely to conceal a hidden agenda. Unshakable. I think Harper plays politics with a real understanding that it is a performance and that he can't wait to get back to real business -away form cameras. He seems reasonable to me but he's also a privileged white male with different social values. I don't want him to have any more power in Parliament. It was funny how he didn't defend the multiple accusations that his party hasn't revealed a platform. Had he been in power in '03, would this man have partnered with the US and sent troops to Iraq? I think the answer is yes.

May
Came across as intelligent and prepared -her inclusion was a major victory. However, I despise the thoughtless obsession that my generation is developing for the environment (because I think it's a modern echo of Christian apocalyptic mythology). The Green Party is going to capitalize on this. I've always thought their social views are too far right from my own but they keep them shrouded in mystery. May, to her credit, was the most willing to bring up historical and international context (such as the effect of NAFTA's Chapter 11 suits on Canadian Public Health Care)

Layton
Voted most likely to appear at your house and have dinner with your family. Layton played 'the man on the street image' so hard we thought he was going to promise to walk our dog. I want to lean toward the NDP but he was overplaying the 'attack Harper' card. Easy for a small opposition party to promise the world.

Prediction
I think Harper is going to return as a minority PM. I'd like to see him face a larger NDP component. That would make him angry. I'm not comfortable with a Harper majority able to lock in some sweeping reforms that he hasn't mentioned.

Human Highlights - Team Litter

I shared a nice moment with a stranger on a subway.

There was an empty plastic Coca-Cola bottle rattling and rolling on the floor. It rolled toward me and I stopped it with my foot. But I did it in the coolest way possible. I didn't even look at it. I was reading a book (The Reason Why) and I saw it in my peripheral vision. I simply raised my foot to pin it against the floor. I held it there, planning to throw it in the recycle when I got off. Then, five stops later, some other guy picked up the bottle from beneath my foot. "Nice catch." He smiled.

I pick up litter when it's convenient. If I know there's a garbage between me and my destination then I pick it up. Otherwise, I don't sweat it because other travelers will be thinking the same way. I like imagining that I'm on the same team as these strangers.

China's Female Athletes

I hear a lot about Phelps and Bolt and not enough about China's female athletes who are dominating the Olympics. Take a look at the medal count.

Right now they account for 30/55 medals for China -including 17 gold. (The closest competitors are the female athletes from the USA. They have garnered 29 medals -5 gold)

I can understand why our North American bullshit tyrannical body type culture would turn a blind eye to women's weightlifting. But, c'mon Capitalism, this is the time for shooters. Give those FPS video game playing 13-year-old boys a role model like Du Li. Who wouldn't want to sport that sweet jersey?

So, Cap, where can I get one?

Fat Princess - my side of the war

Titan's new game for Sony, Fat Princess, is taking some flak from intelligent people. I found Holly's critique interesting (and with the great line "I used to think fat people were inherently hilarious too — when I was 15 years old. Then I grew the fuck up and realized it made me an asshole.")

The price of being critical. Once again I'm surprised at the reactionary hate inspired by (what I consider to be moderate) feminist critique. Melissa McEwan writes about the fallout from her letter to Sony. She has received a lot of hate comments. No one can really defend this game from a critical attack that points out it's coming from a male-dominated (patriarchal) perspective that considers obese women as humorous. That's a fact.

What these "debates" often descend into is a war of insecurities. People who want to enjoy the game attack critics for not being able to stop thinking and have fun. They see the attacks as an issue of insecurity from being rejected by mainstream culture. Similarly, critics see the defenders of Fat Princess as insecure children who try to raise their own self-esteem by pushing others down. Thus the debate moves away from observing the game and into the angry world of hurtful comments known as trolling.

Indeed, I am insecure. I fear there is a cultural war going on and the unthinking are winning. I was first aware of the polarizing, side-choosing, warlike nature of these battles when reading about the absurd dispute over feminist Jessica Valenti's sweater.

I have a tendency to put the blinders on. I try to avoid choosing sides in conflict because I know from playing Apples to Apples how quickly my own righteousnesses makes everyone else's opinion into nonsense.

Yet, in this instance I must choose a side. I side with the criticism of Fat Princess and denounce the game. Boycotted. If you can't see the harmful patriarchal perspective boiling up in this game then you are choosing not to think and have earned my ridicule, asshat.

My own perspective on Fat Princess:

I like the game dynamics. It's a massive (32 player?) multiplayer game where two armies try to capture the other's princess. You can feed your princess in order to make it difficult for the opposing team to lift her for rescue. It's neat because it requires a lot of teamwork, the graphics are my cel-shaded preference, and it looks like there's a lot of nice touches in this preview.

You would have to have your head quite far up your ass not to notice the following things:
1 .The premise is the classic male (warrior, active) saves the female (princess, passive).
2. The image of a fat woman is an intentional source of humour in the game.
3. All of the active characters (rescuers) are male.
4. The sole female character is passive. All of her movement requires others to lift her or to feed her.

FAQ. Crushing your counterattack.
1. Hey, what's wrong with the classic formula: male hero saves female victim?
Nothing. The only thing wrong is its dominance in our entertainment industry. We should throw off the psychological restraint of 'playing the victim' and provide women with a greater variety of female roles to identify with. Notice I did not say discard this formula, merely add some variety.
2. We should laugh at the fat princess since it's an unhealthy lifestyle, right?
Interesting. Did ridicule help you become a 'better' person or is it more likely to lock you into a cycle of self-hate? Additionally, notice that we're dealing with a princess and excluding princes. Our culture is notorious for waging war on the minds of young women by surrounding them with images of minority bodytypes. Finally, stop fucking around. You're not laughing at the "unhealthy lifestyle" so stop playing the bullshit social crusader. You don't laugh at smokers or carbon monoxide emissions. You're laughing because you've been trained, in our culture, to consider certain bodytypes as unacceptable, thus, humorous. The same thing happens in our culture that encourages to think of heterosexuality as normal and homosexuality as unacceptable, thus, humourous. Consider the rise of the terms 'gay' and currently 'no homo'. These things cease to be funny as you grow up and began to think for yourself.

3. Of course all the rescuers are male, aren't playable female characters usually shitty?
Agreed. Their increased speed never compensates for their weak hit power. Honesty, you have to headstomp someone 50,000 times with Chun-li. Video game designers take note. Stop making shitty female playable characters. Make them just as strong and as slow as their male counterparts. Better yet, have users choose their characters on stats alone and then have a male or female skin randomly generate on the mod.
4. Isn't the game pro-women since the object is to protect them?
Great point but I'm not sure I quite understand your complex argument. Let me put my head up your ass so we can see the world together. Shit, now I see how deep it is. Seriously, only ask questions that you can't bury by thinking for yourself for thirty seconds. What is this, baby's-first-debate?

I believe that criticism alone is useless and that the real useful (and difficult) work comes in thinking of solutions:

The following things would improve the game:
1. The 'princess' should be randomly generated as a male or female.
2. The princess or prince should be an active participant in the plan to make themselves fatter and more difficult to carry (as opposed to a passive object that requires stuffing). This shifts the humour from 'images of fat women are funny' to 'the absurd concept of rapidly gaining weight to prevent your own kidnapping is funny'.
3. The playable characters (rescuers) should be male and female.

4. The playable characters should have a variety of body types (not simply 'bearded angry men' and 'overtly sexualized women'). The NES game Ice Hockey had three body types.

The fact that these ideas do not occur to video game designers proves that the industry is patriarchal. Notice, I did not say 'run by men'. The patriarchy can be propagated by men, women, children, parents, even people calling themselves feminist.

A note to those who plan on enjoying playing Fat Princess.
It looks like a lot of fun. Fat Princess is not responsible for all of the crimes of our culture. It is a small patch in a larger quilt of oppression. You can defend the patch but not the quilt. Know that you have to turn your critical mind off to enjoy the game.

Witness Sexual Assault

What would you do if you witnessed sexual assault? Would you speak up? Call for help?

You're probably familiar with the bystander effect (popularized by media coverage of the murder of Kitty Genovese). People take action when they're alone but in groups they assume someone else will. Does your answer change if you were in a group and you witnessed sexual assault? What if everyone around you was laughing?

That's right, what if it happened at a comedy show? Say a notoriously crude comedian, on the spur of the drunken moment, brought a young woman to lie down on the stage and threatened her to stay still. The he proceeded to grope her breasts and genitals to mild laughter. You can read about it here. The comedian who committed sexual assault is Johnny Vegas.

Perhaps we wouldn't have done anything if we were in the crowd. Perhaps the mild laughter and ticket prices would have convinced us that it was simply entertainment. But after reading about this we've exchanged our innocence for experience (That's growing up my Great Great Grand). You and I are no longer ignorant and are now obliged to intervene if we witness sexual harassment. We are no longer bound by the uncertainty of the herd.

So how do we intervene? Suggestions?
1. By speaking out and hoping to shock other members of the herd into awareness.
2. By verbally confronting the perpetrator.
3. Physical intervention. Standing on tables or on stage.
4. Violent intervention. Trashing the place or the perpetrator.

(note: leaving the show in silent protest is not intervention and not an appropriate response)

You know what would be nice? If we had armbands that said "I'm here to intervene". That way you could spot your teammates in the crowd and know that someone has your back.

Furthermore
If you read some of the comments after the article you'll notice that some people are defending Vegas. Don't worry, people aren't actually that stupid. I wrote all of them. They're to test our skills of logic and critical thinking. Can you spot what's wrong with defending Vegas?

I've included the answer key:

Defense 1
The woman on stage didn't protest.
Surprise, surprise. Sexual assault goes unreported even if it fits the legal definition. Did the woman on stage consent? I would like to hear what she thinks. But even if we accept her nervous laughter as consent -it's still, legally, sexual assault. I am a comedian and in my improv and sketch comedy I occasionally call upon audience participation. I've found that audience members try desperately to help the act. Sometimes they attempt to say something funny but most of the time they nervously allow themselves to be shepherded -trusting the professional. She put her trust in a figure of authority who was abusing his power.

(c) the accused counsels or incites the complainant to engage in the activity by abusing a position of trust, power or authority;

For instance, if a teacher tells a student to lie down and then gropes them to 'teach the class about biology', it's clear to see the abuse of power even if the student is silent on the matter. In Vegas' case he completely abused his power to molest a woman.

Defense 2
That's Vegas for you. Classic shocking, envelope-pushing comedy.
I see. Boys will be boys? I too feel that art should push expected social norms. But considering the frequency of sexual assault against women, it would have been more shocking and envelope-pushing if an audience member (that wasn't sexually desirable to Vegas) had walked on stage, pinned him down, and groped him. Honestly, is 'making the audience uncomfortable' really anyone's criteria for comedy? I know it shakes up everyone's "bourgeois consciousness" but that's easy to say when it's not your genitals being violated.

Defense 3
I was at the show. It wasn't as bad as everyone says.
What do you think sexual assault looks like? Neatly labeled with heroes and villains? This is as clear a case of sexual assault that reality can produce. Don't be blinded by your personal attachment to the comic or your shame for inaction.

Unfair World - Dad and Grapefruits

My dad is a great person. He's generally quiet, a performer at the dinner table, an exceptional problem solver, and an extraordinary doer of good deeds. If I picked one food that I knew my dad liked it would be grapefruits. It's also the only food that he is not allowed to have because of his medication. It's too acidic and may cause a fatal reaction.

What the hell?

I know that life is not fair. That the concept of people"getting what they deserve" is a trick to make people follow rules. I think this massive violation of what is fair in the cosmos proves that there is no moral order in the universe.

Oh, to the people who claim "everything happens for a reason" I say:

You are sad and afraid and annoy me. Does your ability to rationalize what is unfair not terrify you? Are you willing to accept me punching your face for reasons you don't understand but insist are there? Perhaps I should not press too hard since you are clearly a frail, weak creature not built for thinking. If your God has some reason why my dad can't eat his beloved grapefruits then I dismiss your petty deity as lightly as a character in a child's story. Come back when you develop a belief system which doesn't coddle you in its bosom when you catch a glimpse of the cold indifference of chance.

Concerning My Perfect Belly Button

Unlike your ugly, weird belly button, mine is beautiful, inspiring, and the delight of the party. It's the kind of belly button you would put on a perfect doll if you got your act together and made one. But I suspect you're too hung up on your grotesque be-bu.

I wasn't proud of my beautiful belly button until now. Before, it was simply something I was born with. Now, I've discovered, it's a clear product of ancient Italian witchcraft.

So,
My sister is pregnant and my mother is in high gear. She was telling a tale of the old world of raising babies and how a "problem" with Baby Me was resolved. Turns out there was some anxiety over my belly button when I was born. It was an outie and the doctor's suspected this meant that Baby Me could develop a hernia. It might become a giant swollen outie and crush the city or some shit. "We'll have to wait and see" Dr. Jealous-of-my-Be-Bu said. This might need an operation.

My great grandmother hearing this bullshit was all like "fuck that noise, I got the solution right here, bam!" (paraphrase). Her solution? She took a silver dollar and put it in a little velvet pouch and set it on my belly button. For six weeks!!! That did the trick. The next time the Doctor looked at my be-bu they wept with joy and started a religion.

So, sorry your belly button is lacking. I can't relate. Mine is mystical.

Best Names

Of all the names that I have heard these are the ones that stand out to me. In retrospect I find the criteria is:
roll off my tongue + obscurity (+ conversation piece)
Most of them are from the world of professional sports -I realize I know the names of more sports players than people in my life.

Taurian Fontenette (AKA Mr. 720. AKA The Air up there)

Plays for And1. He's famous for performing a 720 dunk during a game. The video of it is excellent. My favourite part is that soon after he dunks a kid does an intense re-enactment on the ground. I find the names emerging from the black community in the USA to be the most creative. They make new names or change traditional spelling, e.g: Vonnessa. Perhaps because I'm used to classic white-Christian names (Michael, Matthew, John, etc). I remember the two main characters in the book There Are No Children Here. It was about Lafayette and Pharoah Rivers growing up in Chicago.

Saku Koivu
Finnish Hockey player for the Montreal Canadians. I could say this name all day long. The Finns do names right (Teemu Selanne, Teppo Numinen).

God Shammgod
I remember seeing him play college basketball. He was drafted by Washington but didn't make the regular rotation.

Ted Starr
The name of a student I taught a couple of years ago. He was a rock star/hockey captain/all-around nice guy with a Team Canada temper during sports. He also had good sense of humour. The name was a perfect fit.

Other:
Chauncey Billups
My friend declared this the greatest name in sports history. The Toronto Raptors used to have him but they traded him to Detroit and watched him win a championship.

Clean Hands

When you finish washing your hands resist the urge to use paper towel. Don't bother using the electric heater either. Simply shake them for a bit and then dry them on your pants. Or your shirt. Or your hair. Don't worry, it's not gross, you just cleaned them.

Step back and observe yourself. Picture yourself as an animal. Try and forget your name. Listen for our culture's cooing. Can you hear it?

"Hello friend, create some waste. Look how convenient it is."

Can you resist it?