A or B Communication

We offer children A or B.
That's how they will communicate with the world. They will learn to become A or a B.
What we don't tell them is that the more you practice one style, the less you can relate to the other.

A: consensus, community
A according to A: Communication is an opportunity to show support by relating. Share personal stories so that no one feels alone in their struggles. There's no need to dominate others, we can make decisions together. It's embarrassing to appear inferior or superior. Interrupting to finish someone's sentence is a show of camaraderie. It's easier to communicate in private than perform in public. Fighting is to be avoided.
From B's perspective: A's are too needy and weak. They are too dependent on others. They're manipulative because they only drop hints even when they know what they want -I don't get it.
Want to hurt an A? Threaten their connections to others.

B: competitive, hierarchical
B according to B: Communication is an opportunity to prove your worth. If you're going to take the stage make sure you have something funny or informative to say. It feels good to talk at length and teach someone about something you're an expert on. It's embarrassing to be corrected. Interrupting to win an argument is fair game. Fighting is a fun game.
From A's perspective: B's are too aggressive. I don't understand the obsession with the confrontational tone. They bully each other and then they're best friends -I don't get it.
Want to hurt a B? Threaten their independence.

It's amazing how difficult it is for someone operating in one framework to relate to the other. It seems designed for disaster. A and B are more commonly referred to as:
A = feminine
B = masculine

What's you split?
No one perfects any one style -you probably notice that you have traits from both styles. Offhand, I would say I'm a 70-30 split in favour of B. -but my understanding of A is more of an academic level than experiential. I'll never fully relate.

This entry is largely based on the ideas in You Just Don't Understand by sociolinguist/genius Deborah Tannen (I highly recommended). I hope I did them justice. I don't like when the world is broken up into "men" and "women" but I thought Tannen's approach was reasonable. We continue to treat children differently by encouraging boys to act masculine and girls to act feminine so these categories do have some meaning. I found this book articulate -it put words to observations that I had yet to voice.

I think my favourite part of my reading experience is that I detect a low level bias that is pro-women. Many of her literary examples, for instance, come from female writers. I also feel that she is more willing to criticize the masculine style of communication and defend the feminine style (which she points out is often misunderstood by stereotypical characterizations). I liked the presence of her bias in the book. It became a steady, subtle background noise -I imagine much like the masculine voice that secretly resonates behind most of our culture.

Solutions to Small Talk

How does one improve their everyday conversations if they are bored of empty chatting? Starlee Kine proposes her method, "the Rundown", to replace small talk by pursuing the most interesting part of a conversation. (Part of This American Life (Episode 231)

Kine plays a recording where she chats with someone about breakfast and ends up having them describe their first sexual experience. She has four rules:

1. "Small talk is the conversation you are supposed to be having. The rundown is the conversation you want to have."
2. Why chew the fat when you can chew the meat?
3. If you can think it you can ask it.
4. Failsafe interesting question: How many virgins have you had sex with?

This was an interesting a lighthearted look on a topic that I love: communication. I've been having a string of wonderful conversations. I think Kine is right, you have to push the envelope with personal questions but there's always the risk that the person you're speaking with will not feel comfortable. I guess you can write them off a this point but I like to think that I contribute to someone's comfort level. Here's my advice on how to make someone feel comfortable in order to lead into a great conversation.

1. Remember. Deep down, we're all convinced that no one really cares what we say. It is an honour for someone to pay attention (especially to details), memorize our stories, and quote us. Starting a conversation by mentioning a tiny detail from a previous encounter is instantly endearing.

2. Asexual flirting. Regular flirting involves sexual innuendo and casual touching; I don't do these in my great conversations, fun games but too distracting. However, I do flirt constantly because I crush easily. I begin to imagine whoever I'm talking to and I in a really fun relationship. But I take that excited, (potentially sexual), and creative energy and transform it into enthusiasm to hear more about that person. Thus I hope to leave people knowing that I'm madly in love with them but in such a way that they're not anxiously thinking about drawing a line.

3. Match willingness. Show that you'll answer any question that you would dare ask (but don't ask questions for the sole purpose of answering them yourself)

4. Insecurities. Be open about your insecurities when they're touched upon. I like to explain to people that I'm not reacting to them but to my own fears and desires. It's usually a nice segue so that they can do the same. For instance, if I snap at someone for criticizing a decision I made I like to point out that my snapping happened only because their criticism echoes my own doubts about my choices. Like when my friend was talking about how I neglected to think of alternative ways to handle that lost dog. I snapped at her because I was embarassed by the outcome of that situation -she made a good point.