Crying My Eyes Out

Today we shot a scene for our short film. M@ had to cry in the scene and, even though I was behind the camera, I thought it would be a neat idea to see if I could cry. I don't think I could weep through acting. By that I mean pretending to be someone else. As a sidenote I understand why actors prefer to say "becoming" or "portraying" rather than "pretending". Even thought it accurately describes what they do, it puts them in a mindset that makes it difficult to continue. It's the same for the military. Every soldier is part of a defense force, not an offensive, killing one.

Anywho, my secret to crying, and I turned out to be quite adept, was to picture delivering eulogies for my loved ones. I'm an extrovert in my family and have been called upon to deliver eulogies for grandparents. It's difficult but I was also called upon to be MC at my sister's wedding and that was sweet. I hope to become a quality eulogizer. It seems like an important skill but we never even mentioned it in twenty-plus years of school. I know it seems like a morbid assignment but I'd rather have a culture of brave acceptance than fumbling final speeches. Additionally, we should celebrate the Day of the Dead.

My memory is probably exaggerating (like when we think the movies of our childhood were quality) but I seem to remember a touching and funny eulogy delivered in the film Mr. Saturday Night by Billy Crystal. I hope to some day get there.

Back to tears. I have a vivid storyteller's imagination and I can quickly picture tear-jerking scenes. Like my mom crying in a peculiar new way. Or, a week after the funeral, me yelling at a friend and then, realizing I'm lashing out from my own depression, saying "I just want him to be back". It was thoughts of losing my youngest brother or my dad that proved most effective today. I imagined my Dad was hit by a car on the highway -while trying to help someone in the snow change a tire. He's a really helpful guy, see how that adds to the tragedy? I know, I'm a sadness genius. You should have seen me weep. What a fine species we humans be.